Maybe I
am the afterglow
after all

Time is funny. The years go by and you wonder where everything went. I remember when I was happy and things were slow, and now all of a sudden I'm so blissfully happy but things just keep happening SO FAST. It makes you wonder if you're really taking the time to appreciate the good things that life is throwing at you. Life is like a picture left out too long in the sun.

Things are so complicated right now. I thought I was in love with Briana, and really, I am, but I am slipping away from her. Probably because the minute I made that phone call to tell her I couldn't see her anymore I realized that I was selling myself short. And everyone around me keeps telling me that I deserve so much more. And it's funny, because for once in my life I can see why things fall apart and I can actually see the beauty in it. For once I can see why people break up, and that it's for a reason, that they'll meet someone better and I am so much better now than I used to be. I don't see things in black and white the way I used to, I see things the way they are. I'm jobless and couldn't be happier. I think that for once I'm having a GOOD breakdown. The old walls of me are falling down and I am actually getting to know myself, being a better friend, better lover, more considerate person and most importantly: having SO MUCH FUN.

There are things I miss, like the simplicity of driving around with Ali in my car, or sleeping with my dog when I come home. Or taking a drive alone and listening to Hem or Deb Talan. Crying a little when I get behind the wheel of the Jeep I'm about to sell. Running my hands along the clean, bright red paint. Sitting in the sun room and remembering that once upon a time, it was just a screened in porch where so many talks were had. Looking at the kitchen and remembering shifting in my step from too many Red Bulls and Vodka. Chasing Ali around the house in good times and bad. Sitting on the couch holding her hand. Laying in bed watching movies and watching how much she loved to see my favorites. The slow touch at night. Watching her face light up when she talked to my dad or my mom. Walking in the kitchen when she would make chocolate covered pretzels with my mom, smiling to myself but never showing the emotion that I needed to.

Or when Anthony and Ashley came with me to share in my vacation and we drove every road we could. The Blue Crab Scenic Byway. The churches almost on the water, the 3 car ferries, the hawks and the Blue Herons we scared away. The Bald Eagle my mom and I saw when I took her on her first official Laurin Loop. Catchpenny.

I miss the simplicity of my old life. But, I am still having fun. I just wish I had more time to let it all sink in and enjoy it. Here in the city, there are so many memories happening that you can't ever remember them all - and that is a real shame.

I wrote my finest piece of poetry today:

they killed a man today
they say
a light skinned black man
right on the lawn
of the nation's first house
he hung like a jacket
neatly tucked into a
closet of mistakes and
haste
he swung from the branches
at first
twisting and
turning like a fish
out of water
the crowd that watched
was mixed of
women and children but
mostly men with a penchant
for dislocated faith and
homegrown ignorance
they killed a man today
they say
he was our first and last
black president

I am alive.

For the first time in my life I have realized what it means to really be happy. To work hard, to go through times so trying that even when you lose big things, when everything that once felt like it wasn't going right at all - that in the pit of your soul you are complete.

I've been angry so much because I put everything I've seen and gone through into this box that I kept locked up. I pushed people away and did things that I wished I hadn't because of fear, circumstance, decision and immaturity. I have grown so much that I am sitting in total and complete amazement at the sheer blessings in my life. That for once in my life I can take a long hard look at all of my friends and shed tears of joy for knowing, really knowing and FEELING their loyalty. That the things they do that help me most are done when they NEED to be done, and not every time I cried because of a variation of heartbreak. That they all showed up at my side within a week of each other. That every special, most important, beautiful person in my life has stood by my side so strongly this past year that it really moves me.

Earlier this week I thought about how great it was that SEVEN of my most favorite people visited me within a 2 week period. I said to myself "God I wish they did this more often, and earlier." and then I realized something: THIS was the time I needed everyone. THIS TIME NOW was when EVERYONE was there. I have never felt so loved in my entire life, and it is an incredible feeling. So incredible too, because for once I realized I earned this love. By being there for all of them, for those hours on the phone late at night, for that last $20 bill that I shouldn't have spent, for the thousands of miles in my car, for waiting for them at the police department, for being their shoulder to cry on, for telling them they were brilliant and amazing and absolutely irreplaceable. For all the blood, sweat and tears I have shed in my life so far, I am finally at one with my efforts, thankful, humbled and absolutely amazed. I realize that my decisions, though some were not always the best, were always made carefully - even the riskiest ones. For the fact that my intensity and love of life, it has really, really paid off so far.

This is my thank you to you, without you life would be so much less beautiful.

I've been drinking for 3 days straight. I spent Tuesday from 4:00pm to 4am at Boss Tweeds with Charlotte who is the only gay bartender there. It used to be I was the only dyke that even came in regularly but Charlotte started working there 3 months ago. Tea and I first met her on her first real shift and we didn't really care for her. She was super quiet and charged us full tab which is a mortal sin at Tweeds. I've spent a whopping $40 in 3 days there and yet have engaged in 9 - 12 hours of straight drinking which at any other establishment would have probably cost me about $500 +.

But, strange things have been happening to me lately. Some are devastating and not what I wish to discuss but I'll cover some that are drastically altering my life. Since I ended the affair with Briana a piece of me feels dead, and in the past I've done things to both hurt myself and anyone who's hurt me but lately I have taken it to an all time level.

Let's start with the somewhat decent yet looming with drama thing: Tuesday with Charlotte. She's butch, but really more androgynous and is very attractive. You could even say she has a femme face. But anyway, after that first time meeting her she completely changed. She was talkative, approached me more, hooked us up with shots ($4 tab for 3 hours?!?!?) etc. I arrived at 4pm and her shift started at 8pm. It wasn't terribly busy but there were a few gaggles of people who washed in and out. At about 10pm and a bunch of shots and lively conversation with Charlotte (which is strange because it was one of those "the interest gets more intense as the drinks and time goes by" situations, which had me thinking perhaps there was an attraction hint being dropped) I say to her "Okay, either I go to the ATM or I go home." and she replies "Please don't leave me! Last Tuesday made me want to die no one was here." So I stay. Crazy psycho guy comes in at about 1am and tries to aggressively proposition a chick in the bar for sex. A few of us get him to leave but he comes back like 3 more times so I figured "Fuck it, I guess it doesn't matter when I go home." and at that moment Charlotte looks at me and says "You should just stay until closing with me." And I say "What time is that?" "4am. I usually head home at about 4:30am."

So by the end of the night (and of course she fed me shot after shot and drink after drink) she gave me her number and said "I can't believe you stayed with me the entire time. That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. Here's my number."

She has a girlfriend. Apparently people with girlfriends/boyfriends love me. I enjoyed myself with her, but let's face it, my heart breaks for and misses Briana. Which brings me to the next thing that has happened to me; which is probably one of the most insanely spiteful and emotionally sabotaging things I've done (and I have done it in the past as well, feeling more horrible about it every time I do it which is rare but it does happen.) I went to Tweeds last night and had a crazy time. Kenny and Doria and Adrian all came out (and I think I said a lot of fucked up shit, not bad but overwhelming) and I met a NYPD cop who is also a veteran and a nice enough guy. Because I drank an INCREDIBLE amount of alcohol and I like to self destruct: I slept with him.

You're reading this and probably saying to yourself "Oh my god, is she serious?" Yes, I'm serious. And also fucked up. I've slept with a few guys in my time, but all of them (a whopping 5) with the exception of 2 were acts of self-destruction and spite. Someone took an interest in me, and I wanted to essentially fuck the pain away. I missed her, been missing her and wish I could take back the fact that I said we couldn't see each other anymore. Wished I had the strength to keep being her secret, or that most importantly: that she cared enough to not let me go. Needless to say there really are no words for how awful I feel today. The first thing I realized (which I already predicted for when I slept with someone after Briana) is that I'm numb. I still miss her terribly, and it will be an incredibly difficult experience to find someone that I even remotely enjoy sexually and intimately as well as a person who understands me inside and out like her.

I haven't been this sad in years. I feel like my world is falling apart. And for a few months, I actually felt like it was getting better.

And this weekend hasn't even started. It will be full of grief for these and other reasons.

It's been 3 days since I told Briana I couldn't see her anymore. Or rather, that "we" couldn't see each other anymore. I've made a point to not update facebook or my blog because I can't stand how when things like this happen the other person uses avenues like that to spy on my life. My friends from Catonsville surprised me with a visit last night and it really was amazing. I love them so much, they are friends who take me exactly as I am and love me - flaws and all. They don't tell me to get over myself or to stop talking about certain things, they always listen.

I've been churning out some tortured poetry, everyone act shocked. But regardless, I actually like the two pieces I'm about to post:

there were stars
hidden by
the city clouds on
the night we
first kissed and i
was hesitant to
trust that your
hunger for my
lips was true
i clasped my hands
tight with yours after
the outline you traced
with
fingers the size of
my own and a
breath so heavy it
sat on my
chest and the
words you rushed past
teeth and steel
washed over my
resistance and it
fouled the waters of
love and trust
but i wanted to fly
and you lent me
wings of fire turned to
ash so once again
i am a phoenix
burned by your sins

___

regret will burn with
envy at the karmatic turn
your blinking decision
made
ad nauseum the fact of
betrayal and lust so
shown by proof of too
young years and fears that
bring you down
just to my level
and there is a balance
a man-made lake of
memories that wake you
sweat idle on your brow
you'll keep this as
a secret; your head held
higher every daylight hour
your words will staccato
heavier with
darker cadence but
no one will notice
except for that shadow
that belongs to my
skin casing
thoughts racing of
long nights and hotel sex
sticky sheets and complex
texts; dialog is now
predicative of your
bloody conscience
tirelessly running from
the guilt you sing

I told Briana I couldn't see her anymore. Her response was to say ok and then hang up on me.

She still has 2 things that belong to me: my favorite sweatshirt and my heart.

I went to an absurdly long interview on Thursday, and I apparently did famously. I'm only partially awake/conscious but I know I'll be coherent enough.

This job is even better than the last one I interviewed for, which I had mixed feelings about. This one is a base salary of $50k plus commission but since it's a multi-billion dollar company I will at worst clear about $80k yearly. This means I will once again dig deep, reach within myself to get that old rusty machine that is a workaholic and has life goals (like buying a piece of property that is just mine and only mine, perhaps with horses if I'm lucky) and a far more healthy work hard/play hard philosophy. And without further ado, this is the letter I received regarding my status so far:

Laurin:



I got initial feedback from Jay. Very positive. Interview went well and he feels you can definitely do the job. We will sit down on Monday and determine next steps. It will probably be a Phone Interview with Nancy Pugliese (all Recruiters report to Nancy, she reports to Jay), early next week (Tuesday or Wednesday). It could also entail another trip to the NY Office to meet Lou Rossi (Sr. Sales Guy), who you would be working with. After you’ve met/spoken to everyone, all input will be discussed and a decision will be made.



We should be able to give you a yes/no before the end of next week. So far, so good. Great interview!



Dennis

On top of all of this, my mom goes in for surgery on Tuesday and my dad was rushed to the ER yesterday. Which, my mom decided she'd only tell me about today, and as much as I understand why - it bothers me. That man needs to take a step back and stop freaking out because he is killing himself with his temper at stupid, stupid, stupid shit. I worry about my family on a daily basis.

And I'm still shocked that with the way the world is and this crazy fucked up city I live in I'm still standing and overall; okay.

Very overwhelmed. But I felt like I should at least update everyone as to what I'm doing.

So I just sat down and did a list of the people I slept with:

Total is 15. Not too shabby. And also not too tawdry. But yet, it's amazing to reflect on.

My weekend is officially over. Martin and Ashley came on Friday and we had a WONDERFUL time. I miss those guys so much, and I actually got a little misty when they left because we had/have so much fun when we are out together. So many inside jokes, and literally - I am never as funny as when I'm with them. Friday we basically drank our faces off here at my place, which I luckily was able to finish cleaning before they got here (yay leaving work at 3:30 and just not giving a fuck). Ashley was bound and determined to clean the jacuzzi (I just didn't have time, I was taking care of SIX cats this past week!) and of course we all got our bathing suits (or whatever would pass, aka shorts and a t-shirt for me) and we soaked for a few hours drinking, laughing, telling stories and just generally being ourselves.

Saturday aka last night is when things achieved mind blowing proportion levels. We made it into the city at around 5, promptly got sandwiches at Tiny's (which I'm not terribly enchanted with, but it was around the corner from Tweed's and cheapish)  and then went to Boss Tweeds. Briana met up with us at about 6:30ish and the drinking was already well underway. Martin having a liver issue (Apparently he only has half a liver, or something is wrong with it, not sure) and since we had drank so heavily the night before he was not doing well. But since it's Martin he was one hell of a trooper and made it til about 10pm while throwing up intermittently. Ashley, God love her - still plays by the Landmark rules. Which are essentially: "YOU GO in that bathroom and THROW UP if you can't handle your shit! Then you come BACK AND DRINK." and I mean, that's all well and good but I think she pushed Martin a little too far and I felt bad for him. He then thought that since she was giving him so much shit that he was anxious and thought he was upsetting us all - which I smoothed that concern over. So I called a car service to pick them up outside of the bar and after a minute altercation with Ashley (she was drunk and forgot I had a car waiting so she wanted to cram in as many shots as possible before leaving and also tried telling me that I hadn't "told" her a car was waiting) they left to go to my house. Briana and I stayed at Tweeds for maybe a half hour/45 minutes then journeyed to 6 Columbus (http://www.sixcolumbus.com) to check in to the room I had reserved.

Let me start by saying this: It's no often that I get really great things for no reason. I usually have bad luck or occasional good luck - but there is usually always a catch, or a proportion limit. We walk into the lobby and already I'm pleased with this hotel choice. That staff is straight out of a movie - polite (almost to a sexual undertone/innuendo but not creepy - just breathy and attractive and REALLY nice) and eager. They have my reservation and as they're confirming the room status one of them comes over and says "Well actually, we have the Penthouse available." and I said "Oh that's nice, but that's out of my range." and he says:

"No, it would be for the same rate." I blink in confusion. Is this some scheme where I buy into it and then in the morning there's a bill for TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS (the rate of the penthouse normally). I get his name, and say "ONLY if it is for the same rate." He assures me it is, so we go on up. 12th floor, Room 120. Briana and I are excited to say the least.

It was the most amazing room I have ever been in/seen let alone stayed in. 2 levels, 2 balconies, 2 bathrooms, California King bed on the upper level, ALL marble bathrooms, kitchen, living room, 52 inch PLASMA tv. I was literally, completely BLOWN away.

Needless to say, I spent $1000 this weekend. The room wound up totaling out to an amount that was way above what I wanted to pay because we ordered liquor, got breakfast ($53 dollars for two?!?) and taxes, etc. Still, not ANYWHERE near how much it should have cost. Regardless, I made those decisions and am an idiot - though a very fulfilled one. I realize that spending $1000 (over half of which was on Briana alone) and my friends is literally the stupidest thing I have done in years. When I tell you that the minute I checked out and walked outside I threw up in the street you'll realize the magnitude of how this realization really hit me.